Why do the tops I date insist on crossing my boundaries? Do they just want me to leave them?

I had a thing going with this guy.

I did so many things to try and make him happy. I wore female underwear, I made my entire body smooth, I cooked for him, I allowed him to degrade me during sex.

In his words, I was a really good sub, I let him cum where he wanted several times a day.

He just messaged me out of the blue and insulted me, saying I was a worthless ugly little bitch and next time we have sex I need to beg for his dick, because he deserved a hot girl.

I’m so turned off, just because I’m a sub doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be respected. We’d previously set boundaries and I told him I was sensitive and didn’t like needless insults.

Every dom I meet, it ends because of either this reason. Or they don’t stop when I say I’m in too much pain. Or because they try to force me to do something like send a photo of me getting penetrated to my best friend or relatives when I’ve said I can’t do this.

We always have a nice thing going on, I’m doing all these things to please him, I don’t expect anything in return except an occasional cuddle and for my lines to not be crossed. And they fuck up every time.

Why?

15 COMMENTS

  1. Sorry, this is tough. Glad you’re standing up for yourself and dropping these guys — don’t give them second chances.

    Unfortunately with these types of dynamics, creeps lurk who don’t genuinely care about their sub. They’re really just in it for the self-serving power trip, rather than the mutual power play. Pushing boundaries is what thrills them, rather than treating you as an equal consenting partner. They’re basically looking to take advantage of your kink.

    Although it may mean fewer partners or encounters, try to establish more trust with someone before you start playing with them. Get to know each other outside of the sub/dom dynamic and look out for red flags. They need to show you and prove that your boundaries matter; that aftercare matters; and that there is total respect underpinning the exchange.

    TL;DR: Try to vet better and find guys who get off to dominating you/degrading you *because* you get off to it too, not in spite of it.

  2. I find this sub crazy, I’ve never met a single top in real life or on Grindr who wants their bottom to act fem / dress in women’s clothes, be degraded etc but apparently that’s all they seem to want according to guys on here.

  3. Something that I’ve noticed on social media is that many gay man equate sexual positions with the heteronormative gender roles of a man and a woman. Perhaps the men who you have dated are men with deeply rooted internalized gender roles and in order for them to feel less gay or more like a man they feel the need to assert their dominance in a toxic way.

    I would suggest getting to know someone without stating explicitly that you want to be their sub. There’s nothing wrong with cooking and pleasing your man, but perhaps you are attracting the type of gay men who are toxic and want to continue the idea of heterosexual traditional gender roles.

  4. mate something to remember is that after a bit of you e already set boundaries it’s just abuse.
    not something to “put up with” for your partner. that’s literal abuse

  5. It was supposed to be a game, but he wasn’t playing. It seems he is not a dom, but an idiot. You just want to be loved and respected. First of all, respect yourself and don’t let anyone cross your boundaries.

  6. What in the fuck, send pics to family members??

    Even for everything else, some people have zero respect and believe they can do whatever they want.

    A decent human being would respect your limits and not try to go further.

    In any case you should never let anyone make you do things you feel uncomfortable with. You’ll find the right guy.

    Take care

  7. If it doesn’t work for you then LEAVE. never stay once the boundaries broken; because then you lose value as human. I understand the urges the subs get to satisfy the top. But you are putting yourself in real danger if you don’t stand up and enforce your boundaries. Peace

  8. Because you aren’t attracted to Doms, you’re attracted to assholes. Fine but significant difference.

  9. Do you ever get good aftercare from these tops? It’s a big part of sex for me, and if they’re not willing to do that, it might be a sign they don’t have your best interests in mind. Even a dom should be serious about aftercare.

  10. Okay, first off, I am lost AF at him wanting you to send photos of you being penetrated to your best friend and/or relatives! That is absolutely INSANE! If that isn’t enough of a reason for you to end it then I don’t know what is. I completely understand the dynamics of Doms & Subs but you are a human being first. If you continue to allow this behavior, which is really abuse if you ask me, it will only get worse. If degrading you in bed is something that turns you on then so be it, but if it’s not then you need to put a stop to this. You should never allow anyone, I don’t care who it is, to degrade you, disrespect you, make you feel worthless or insulted. Also, if they do not stop when you tell them you are in too much pain, then that is rape. If I were you I would end this. And fast! The longer you continue with this guy, I fear the worse it’ll get and the more your self esteem will decrease. If you set boundaries and they are not adhered to then the only recourse you have is to walk away. I’m sorry you are going through this but you have to put your foot down and choose yourself. There is no dick good enough on this earth to put yourself through this BS. Walk away while you can. Good luck!

  11. A lot of subs (incliding me) love be treatened that way.
    I guess thats why they all starting doing that to you.
    Bet they do that to all their subs.
    Don’t take it personal.

    Maybe you should tell your next top what you expect and what you don’t like from the start.

  12. Me, as a sub, I find it particularly hot and satisfying when I’m getting pushed a bit from my boundaries. I feel like I am improving and I love seeing my man proud of me.

  13. The correct title would be: “why do the doms I date..”

    You may have some guilt…. Have you set clear boundaries to him?

    Insulting and degrading out of sex is a usual part of dominance. I don’t think he wants to leave you, he just enjoys doing it.

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