I have to go 90 days without sex and porn. I need advice.

I realized months ago I needed to control myself. I live with my parents, who sadly live in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest. Growing up with no other guys around me to experiment me, I grew obsessed with porn. It was the only thing that was good in life. I’d masturbate to Pornhub between moments of gaming, staying up all night and skipping school the next day. I missed over 40 days in one trimester. I was ugly and hated in real life, kids would call me gay and break my things. Online RPGs let me pretend I was a hero, and porn let me fantasize and lust over the sexiest men possible. I remember switching between tabs of Runescape and GayTube. I’d be gaining ATTK XP while I jerked off to some twink getting his guts rearranged.

In community college, I didn’t play games as much, but my porn usage continued. I loved watching men on Chaturbate perform, I loved scrolling through Tumblr for hours on end. I had a limit; if it was 1AM, I’d only allow myself 30 more minutes of masturbating. But most of the time, I loved the sensation too much, and drawn in by the allure of more videos, I usually kept going on until 2:30AM. Sometimes I grew soft and couldn’t get hard again despite finally finding a video I’d like to cum to. Some nights I accepted defeat and just went to sleep. Many nights I kept trying to get hard again, though. I’d usually only get 4-5 hours of sleep.

It wasn’t until I transferred to the college I’m at now that I actually kissed another guy. I had lost weight after graduating HS, and I felt new. He was cute and cuddly, and I wanted to hold him forever. We were supposed to be watching Harry Potter in his dorm room, but soon enough we found each other looking at one another. With my heart racing, we kissed. We giggled. And we kissed again and again and again and again. I left that night with my heart singing.

The night I sucked my first dick was horrendous. Like the night we kissed, we were just supposed to be watching a movie. But long story short, things got heated. As I blew him, he pulled down my pants, and we embraced each other. I wanted nothing more than to fuck this man. But to my despair, I was soft. I wasn’t nervous by any means. Yet there I was, flaccid. Noticing my condition, he flinched. I remember him saying that he was ugly. We stopped.

My heart broke. He was my everything, and my dick convinced him he was ugly. He was self conscious of the weight he had put on in college, but I thought he was beautiful. I sent him roses, he thanked me, but by the next week we stopped talking altogether. I miss him.

It was during this time I realized I no longer got morning wood. Fearing the worst, I went to my room and tried to get hard. I couldn’t. So I pulled out my phone to find porn. I was finally able to get hard then. I blamed my stress from school for my inability to get an erection.

Months pass, and nothing changed. I’d watch porn every night until the early morning and masturbate. I used Grindr to find hook ups, but I usually just ended up blowing them. Guys would ask to suck my dick in return, but Id politely decline, much to my frustration. Once while I was at the movies with a date, he tried to reach down my pants while we sat in the back. He wanted to suck my dick then and there. I would’ve love nothing more, but I pulled him away. I knew I couldn’t get hard.

I eventually tried bottoming. I moaned immensely as I was rimmed for the first time. I was at a sex party and the host, a daddy, ate my ass like it was birthday cake. This guy next to me that was getting fucked laughed, “Yet another bottom is born.” But when he stuck his dick in me, I felt no pleasure. Since that day, I’ve been fucked by around ten guys. I wish I could say I enjoyed it. I tried to convince myself I’d eventually like it and one day hooked up with a guy at a nearby college. He fucked me all night, unfortunately. I remember the gut wrenching pain I was in, despite being well lubed. I bit down on my pillow and let him use me. The next day I was in misery. I never had my gut felt that way before. I hated being gay. I hated being me.

Eventually, I became interested in NoFap. I didn’t like the religious aspect of it, and I didn’t like the way people demonized sex workers, but I tried it on my own account. After weeks of not masturbating to porn, I was finally able to get morning wood again. You won’t believe how happy I was. I kept going, trying my best to not masturbate. Grindr made this difficult- I loved sexting with guys, and it made not jerking off hard if guys were sending me pics of their butts. Long story short, while on vacation I met a guy at a bar, and I finally fucked a man for the first time. Looking down and seeing my dick inside another man’s ass was unbelievable to me. I didn’t last long. After he finished in me, we cuddled and talked the whole night. I flew home a couple hours later.

I hooked up with some other guys. It was surreal to finally get hard around another guy. But like the fool I am, I went back to porn. I thought I was cured. The very next day my morning wood stopped again.

It’s now been months since I’ve been another guy. Last week was the last time I masturbated to porn. Sexy guys get posted on every gay subreddit, and guys on Twitter love to show off everything they’re packing. It’s addicting.

I’m currently home for winter break, and I’ve never felt more alone. My parents live in the middle of nowhere; the closet town is a retirement community. I get the urge to watch porn so badly. I try to occupy my time, but it always lingers in the back of my mind constantly. I’ve deleted Twitter, and I haven’t used Grindr in a week. I thought I could handle Grindr, but I couldn’t. Getting sent pictures of a sex party made me relapse.

My goal is to not masturbate to porn for three months. I feel so hollow and angry at myself. I need to control myself. There’s a party in April at a gay bar two hours away. That’s my short term goal. I want to actually meet someone without the fear of erectile dysfunction in the back of my mind. I’m 24. I shouldn’t be dealing with this, yet I am. I want to go to that party and have fun. Three months shouldn’t be hard, right?

I’m struggling. Last week I relapsed everyday. But I’m holding up now, and it’s been almost a week. This is my New Years Resolution, and I want to make it work. I honestly just wrote this out for myself, but I also wanted to share my story too. I can’t be the only one going through this, right?

Porn isn’t the Devil. Sex workers are honest workers. I love porn. But my habits aren’t healthy. As much as I love porn, I love people more. The feeling of being with people can’t replace the feeling of my hand. I wish I could turn back time and have sex with the guy I kissed for the first time. I wish I could say we became a couple. But I can’t. I can only go forward.

Thank you if you read this. What advice do you have for me?

9 COMMENTS

  1. Hey, I’m going through the same. You’re not alone in this.

    I also hated r/nofap. Treating porn like it was the devil work. We don’t blame beer for alcoholism, so we should not blame porn for porn addiction.

    I didn’t stop having sex. Should I?

    If you want to talk, I’m available.

  2. Unfortunately what you have is a common story. People just dont talk about it. A couple notes.

    1. Stop looking at porn

    2. Dont stop fapping when you get desperately horny. It’s natural. As long as it’s not more than once every couple days.

    3. You will mess up and look at porn. Forgive yourself and try again. You have an addiction like a lot of guys do.

  3. I feel you. It’s a steep climb ahead to recovery. This habit of living in the moment with porn is really destructive because it is so addictive.

    The key is only yourself. To control yourself. To conquer yourself. I grew to a conclusion. Is by being discipline and then get rid of the habit.

    As per say. It’s easy what I just wrote. But I am struggling as well. Wishing you the best. Remember. Conquer yourself. Go Google YouTube minimalism or minimalistic. This one guy tells you how to minimise your clutter and live in the moment. I believe you can apply it to something else too. Good luck!

  4. Like you said, porn isn’t bad in and of itself, but your habits are unhealthy and causing you severe distress in other areas of your life. Obsessive, destructive habits can be indicative that something is not going well in another area of your life. In addition to curbing porn use, you should try to be healthier and happier in other aspects of your life, because ultimately that is what’s going to help.

    I think you should talk to a therapist if you are able. They are there to help you be the best version of yourself, and I think a therapist would be very helpful with sticking to your goals and working out what the root of your problems are. It seems like you have already made a really good start, the party goal in April sounds like an awesome way to anchor your goals.

    Best of luck man, and thank you for sharing this deeply personal story. I am rooting for you!

  5. Firstly, see a doctor. Stop trying to self-medicate. Be a man and open up to a medical professional, they are there to help. Erectile dysfunction medication works usually very effectively, and isn’t something to be ashamed of.

  6. Im gonna give you some advice as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder and has gone to therapy for it, the abstinence thing rarely ever works in the long run. One way of thinking I was given was to “allow” yourself to do it, say twice a week, instead of everyday. That way, when you’re doing it, it’s something that you feel is in your control. It starts to change your mindset about the problem and makes you feel like you have power over it again. You sound like you’re struggling a lot with this issue, and torturing yourself more maybe isn’t the best option.

    I don’t know if it’s a male thing to approach stuff with this ”all or nothing” mentality, but as someone who’s struggled too I understand. I’d just hate to see you fuck up this very lofty goal and spiral into serious self loathing, because it already sounds like you’re not far off.

  7. Honestly it’s probably more mental than anything. I couldn’t get hard when I first tried topping and it wasn’t because of porn like I thought. It was because I was scared of sex.

  8. Like what others have said, stop jerking to porn. PMO but you can still do the masturbation part, just your brain. After a while if you start working out and the like, you’ll feel the desire to masturbate goes down too and will lead to healthier life choices like going out more and meeting real partners.

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