From coming out as gay, to coming out as trans, to living a stealth life

my thoughts on coming out as gay vs. coming out as trans when you first start to transition vs having to come out as trans when no one knows youre trans!! i just wanna talk about my own experiences with coming out as all three of these things. i also talk a bit about living stealth and why i chose to live this way. feel free to leave comments.
instagram: ask


  1. Stealth. 👍 The world doesn't have to know anything anyways. Telling friends and family is one thing, but the rest of the world you don't owe it anything – only exceptions would be a girlfriend at some point that is right to talk about that part of your life. Totally get your feeling of not needing to be out and proud – why does anyone NEED to be? Most just wanna be accepted for who they are – period. You don't owe anyone anything.

  2. Yo that thing about the women saying 'you'd never understand' about cramps is so funny. Just the other day I was chatting to a girl at work and she was complaining about how she got she told off for wearing shorts above the knee, so I replied 'huh, that's so weird, I've always worn shorts on or above the knee in Summer coz it's hot af and it's awkward to do all the physical stuff in baggy long shorts, and no one ever said anything to me about it' (I work in trade so yeah, baggy and/or long shorts can be dangerous as well as just awkward and uncomfortable) and she replied, immediately without a second's hesitation, with 'yeah but you're a guy! It's just different, you wouldn't know'. It felt so weird, haha. Coz, I was in the same job before coming out and all through that awkward stage where you don't pass at all then sometimes pass, so yeah, I do understand, but I wasn't gonna tell her that, haha. Need to know basis only, or if it's highly relevant in some way and I decide to out myself. But all of my experiences as a female perceived person just… Don't count anymore, and if I give context to what I'm saying then I'm needlessly outing myself and not everyone needs to know. So I just shut my mouth and laugh internally when it happens, haha.

  3. You represent only yourself and you have the right to present yourself how you want to. You pass as a man, definitely, and nobody can oblige you to claim that you’re a FtM. It must be such a nice feeling not to have to worry about passing so I definitely can understand that you don’t want to claim where you come from. Your life =‘ your choice. If some transgender people want to talk about their lives, that’s their prerogative and I totally support them. But as you said, it must be nice not to have to worry about that and to live as a man. Your transition is your own experience and you totally deserve to lead the life you want to.

  4. When I first started my transition I felt like I wanted to live out and proud in the future but now I am starting to think that I would rather live stealth when I am fully passing and had surgery in the future. Just wanting to start over without people knowing my past and stuff. Just my ideas on how I want to live in the future have started to change a bit since starting my transition idk it's weird….

  5. I'm glad you covered this topic regarding your experience. I think it's great the way you are living just as Dan the guy. Thanks for little episodes of the broader perspective.

  6. I completely agree with you and your desire to live as stealth. I feel the same way. In medical settings I'm very open with providers about being trans, sharing resources, etc., and I do occasionally out myself when I'm out of town (i.e. telling a cashier I'm visiting town, and if they ask why, telling them I'm transgender and am visiting my hormone prescriber). I figure randomly outing myself in an anonymous setting helps raise awareness, while also not putting myself in harm's way or affecting my daily life. As for dating, I haven't dated anyone since transitioning who didn't already know I'm trans. I believe I would out myself before becoming intimate. Similarly, I would disclose if I had an STD, being infertile if my girlfriend wanted to get pregnant, etc. I see being trans as having a medical condition that only your medical providers and lovers have a right to know, if it is relevant to the care/sexy time you are receiving/experiencing. Being private doesn't mean you're ashamed; it means you're private. Some people break their arm and parade around town showing off their cast, seeking attention. Others limit their time in public and pride themselves on regaining their abilities without having others notice they were ever injured (personal experience). Neither approach is right or wrong, but respecting your own thoughts and feelings is what's right for you. And I couldn't agree with you more.

  7. totally makes sense. and you're right that you do you…it's not for others to say if you should be out and proud or not.

    for me, i go back and forth a lot. yea, sometimes i feel the need to find community and want to talk about being trans. but i'd be lying if i said i never go into spaces just wishing to not have to disclose my past. it especially pisses me off when people think i owe it to everyone i meet to tell them i'm trans in a certain way and immediately upon meeting them. often times, i do come out. but i agree that it's most important that coming out /living stealth should be done on each person's own terms. you don't owe it to anybody. of course be safe and if you want to let someone in, that's awesome. but i feel like coming out to someone has to be earned (earned by the person you're coming out to). not sure if that makes sense?

  8. I feel just like you, Dan. Feels like you’re exiled from your trans brothers because you just want to be seen as cis. We are proud. We just don’t identify as trans men. We identify as cis men. That’s just as okay as living out. Some gay men are flamboyant. Some gay men aren’t. Some people are loud as fuck, some people are quiet.

    I’m with you, Dan. You’re not alone. I truly understand your feelings and hope people don’t give you shit.

    All the love, broski.

  9. You made total sense Dan. I identified at gay for 7 years, and am now just starting T and starting to come out again as transmasculine. Right now I have to come out like you said, but i have no idea how I'm going to feel about being out in the future. Just keep doing your thing, man! Take care and thanks for your videos

  10. Hey buddy hope you are doing well I finally can do my subq t shots at home boy doctors are stupid and I got my top surgery date for February yeah I can’t thank u enough ur videos and ur Personality has helped me so much and motivated me to get to where I need to be and hope we can really become good friends and I’m hoping that one day I don’t have to introduce myself as high I’m transgender please don’t call me by my birth name my name is JC that will be nice

  11. Your doing a great job, and I too once I’m totally passing that is, will be most happy being stealth, I’m glad you get that too.
    Also your videos aren’t to long, your true and real and honest, now that’s rare. Great job !

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