Coming Out of the Closet

Question: I am a twenty-three year old, homosexual black American male, living in a religious family household. Do you have any advice or suggestions as how to be honest with my family about my sexuality?

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21 COMMENTS

  1. God bless you Stefan. Very hard to hear what this well spoken lovely young man is experiencing from his so called family – you have brought a smile to my soul at the close because of your offer to cover great therapy sessions. Beautiful guidance on your part throughout as well. Matthew, LIVE YOUR TRUE LIFE, GO AHEAD!

  2. Stefan that was so cool you're getting him started in therapy and this was a great call in. I'm glad he was willing to get therapy . Therapy is a life saver literally, I have a friend who is half in and half out of the closest(Bi and only a few people know). He hasn't told really anyone but a few friends now he has a kid on the way and his girlfriend doesn't know he's into men. I helped get him into therapy because I saw how much I benefit from it for PTSD treatment, sadly he went a few weeks and bailed on it. I wish he stayed with it but he wasn't ready to confront the issues that he faced on top of being BI. I don't know what else to do to help him, his girlfriend is a controlling leech and won't let him around anyone who is a strong positive person in his life

  3. It's funny how eerily similar this is to my life. I'm currently 23, black, gay, and had to cut off my entire family (also share a name with this guy). It's tough, but you've just got to remind yourself that life goes on and to try and make the best of it.

  4. Very disappointed to hear Stefan assume his parents were wrong. This man was promiscuous in high school. His parents have a right to parent based on orthodox values. STDs can lead to death, in some cases. Of course his parents love him. Porn and sex obsession has ruined society and turned people's values upside down. Maybe his parents want him to go to college or grow a career and not date. If a person unplugs from sex obsession, they can accomplish more. Plus anal sex is damaging long term. Therefore his parents have a right to care. He's gay but his parents have a right to dissuade sex. There is a state of mind of Buddhas to unplug from sex. Jesus did it too

  5. Part 1:

    Alright.. you're usually extremely enlightening, but 5 minutes in to this.. I've gotta dissect this one.

    You start off propping your premise up with the principal that being gay is perfectly natural, and that Christians despise nature. That is utter bullshi.. You know full well that the vast majority of people, and animals, are born multi-sexual. Attraction is a decision. A new born baby is born attracted to everything that comes in to their existence. You also know full well that no FIVE year old on the planet has any clue what sexual attraction is. The decision is 100% sociological influence and ego. At that age you're gaining a comprehension of what society expects of your behavior, so you make your own decisions, (hopefully) based on empirical evidence, not sociological norms just for the sake of being normal.. or abnormal as the case may be. Once you've made your decisions, then your ego (or humility) takes over and you reflect and convince yourself that your feelings are rational or correct. Your ego makes you talk yourself in to irrational, illogical or indefensible ideas, and you start making excuses and apologetics based on malformed logic or utter nonsense. A sensible sentient person with no socialogical influences or expectations would simply get bored with the concept and move on with their lives.

    Anyone claiming that they are a strictly gay person has made that decision internally. The key is whether or not they are willing to admit to it, or explore their own rational and decisions.. which may very well date back to the logic of a five year old (or older).. and then reflect on the foundation of their core values. That takes a very brave and determined soul, as you well know, being a relative master of the philosophical arts. Being strictly gay is equivalent to strictly being a Dallas Cowboys fan, even though they haven't won a super bowl in 20+ years. If you're rooting for the home team, that's a valid excuse, supporting the local sports initiative.. but it is STILL an excuse! Logically, you would be an idiot for supporting something that you don''t enjoy or benefit from.. as well as for excluding alternatives with definitive, rational and realistic benefits. The adrenaline rush waiting for the next tackle also doesn't count, neither does the adrenaline rush of defying your parents. You can get the same adrenal auto-response waiting for any other team (or parent-figure) to get tackled, as it were.

    I'm not saying that rooting for a sports team is any less valid than 'being' gay. There are millions of people that talk themselves in to both beliefs around the world. The point is that being exclusionary to either belief is a malformed practice.

    Also, using religion as some sort of scapegoat or excuse.. is utterly pathetic. Matthew, for example, has been painting excuses since he was five years old (at least). I don't know what's more pathetic, Matthew using the power of Religion (capitol R) as a crutch, or you (Mr. Philosopher) feeding the bears as it were, and not calling him out on it.

    Propping up the power of culture or sub-cultures is equally just as pathetic. I lived in downtown Denver and made many many LGBT friends. We had many many deep discussions and almost all of them can admit that they were mentally traumatized at some point. They realize that blaming their problems on society or religion or ANY sort of scapegoat is not only retro-active, but reprehensible. They own up to their issues, and when it's not too much to bear, they'll occasionally seek out a therapist or do some internal soul searching. They are open about being gay, and perfectly healthy in the way they live their lives. They don't strike out against others who would strike out at them in ignorance. They recognize the injustices done to them. I would sooner believe that they beat a child molester to death, than believe that they had excepted one in to their ranks. They recognize that they had flawed childhoods and at some point convinced themselves in to flawed ideals for whatever reason, and they are comfortable moving on when their lives and being just as gay as they want to be.. while admitting that they aren't perfect.

    That's how I would define a healthy happy gay man. Not someone who is still blaming society, religion and their parents for not understanding a person who doesn't Understand (capital U) or love themselves.

    Moving UP from THERE.. is where you can build a healthy id and identity. Well.. throw in a healthy serving of moral integrity.. if you can't be honest and truthful with yourself, then you're a lost cause and shouldn't expect society or any other human in particular to except you for long, regardless of your religion or sexual orientation.

    Feeding in to someone's sense of danger and building false anxiety, in order to build suspense, create a sense of excitement and an air of thrill is despicably. I almost threw up in the back of my mouth listening to you manipulate this man like a ball of clay repeatedly reinforcing the idea in his head that he was living a life of danger and thrilling adventure, but nobody else really understands it.. WTF is wrong with you??

    Sexuality is NOT a foundation, or even a bedrock principal. It's simply an aspect. A piece of who and what you are. A PIECE of what you decide to be. You yourself (Stefan) slipped up and said 'it's a core to your identity'. Precisely. It's a part of your identity, NOT a foundation.

    Portraying ignorant religious zealots as hallmarks of a religion is not constructive. They are no more praise worthy than some sports team zealot, ignorant racist or feminist that has no idea what they're really going on about. I am shocked and appalled at your lack of calling out ignorance when you see it, and your lack of pointing out the need to spread knowledge and stamp out ignorance wherever it exists. That combined with the way you appear to be manipulating this young gay man leaves me wondering what your attentions are, precisely.

    I say precisely, because I know that you are very intelligent, possess a well disciplined mind and have clear cut goals and agenda. I've got a pretty good idea of what your intentions are.. but not precisely. What ever they are in reality, they appear to be shameful.

    You're speaking to bias and prejudice, not foundational principals. Morgan Freeman: I'm going to stop referring to you as a white man. ..and I'm going to ask that you stop referring to me as a black man. Here's a thought: I'm going to stop referring to you as a gay man. ..and I'm going to ask that you stop referring to me as a straight man. THAT'S how you stamp out prejudice and ignorance. CERTAINLY not by reinforcing the power of religious, racial or sexual bias!! Of all people, it is probably MOST critical that a young gay black atheist be able to comprehend this one altruism more than nearly any other philosophical concept. Certainly more than any other at the tip of my tongue.

    ..and then you ask him if he dates outside of his race?? I'll take 'things that make you go.. hmm' for $500 dollars, Pat. 'The Asian community has challenges with gay people.' SERIOUSLY?? Are you just barfing up ignorant rhetoric at this point? In China and the rest of the orient, they've been killing off their newborn daughters for a couple of generations now. Men outnumber women by such a LUDICROUS margin.. a portion of their society is going to be gay whether they like it or not. You can't have entire villages screwing the same girl, one after the other. If these men want sexual satisfaction, they're just going to have to turn the cheek, and turn a cheek.. so to speak.

    Matthew, I don't know if there's any hope of you ever seeing this. I imagine that you're twenty six by now, and perhaps you've stumbled across some of these truths yourself by now. I apologize for Stefan leading you down a primrose path like this. I apologize it hadn't come to my attention sooner. I myself used to trust the mans judgement and sincerity in seeking core truth and philosophical value in life. Apparently not. He obviously had alternate goals in this scenario. A bit of advise.. next time you hear people in your community railing and acting like homophobic idiots.. act like an anti-black racist idiot. Let them draw the conclusions and paint in the picture. Let them discover that one prejudice is no better than any other. You need to enlighten your peers and your elders. Be your own hero, and make it happen. Their homophobia is a PRECISE mirror of what makes you claim to be exclusively gay. Both of you are scared to admit that the other may have a valid point. You need to realize.. and help them realize.. that these beliefs are merely things which you (they) have decided, and which YOU (and they) have made a piece of your character, your personality, and your identity. EVERY person on the planet is born without these prejudices. There is no reason why any person can't reflect on these things and come to the same conclusions.

    The bible warns against homosexuality because it was a serious danger to the continuation of the species back then. You know.. it is ACTUALLY still a serious danger to our society today. The powers that be would like nothing more than to topple the great American experiment, and turn all of our productivity in to a vast farm of power under their control. To these people, homosexuality is literally nothing more than a sociological weapon to help destabilize our society. This is one more reason that Stefan pounding in stakes to further the division between you and the people around you distresses me so. We are all Americans. We are all part of one big society, the American experiment, or the melting pot, as it's known worldwide. We CAN get along with each other. We simply have to stop labeling each other due to our differences, and make the decision to get along with each other, and not invalidate each others feelings and opinions based on idiotic stereotyping and pigeonholing.

  6. The whole point is to encourage and foster weakness in the population which makes them easier to rule. The rest are left confused not sure who or what to fight against from fear of being labeled as intolerant or bigoted by those around them.
    This is a feminine psychological mindset of wanting to be liked and approved of by others as women can't survive outside a social support group. Men were trained to go it alone if necessary but the current generation has been raised by single mothers who cannot pass on masculine traits of rugged survivability and has been taught that anything masculine is toxic.
    Nonetheless these women depend on men supplying them with resources either by alimony or child support or social services mostly paid for by taxing men.
    The whole society collapses when the last remaining masculine men die out or there are too few to continue to support it. That is due to happen very soon as in the next 20 years or so. What happens then I don't know but all this bullshit will disappear overnight.
    Will people admit they were wrong? No. They will deny they ever believed it which is true. They are just virtue signalling now to gain social approval and avoid persecution for disagreeing. People might call them names.

  7. I would love to hear your thoughts on transgenderism, because to me sexual attraction and preference, is different than changing reality. Cutting off dicks seems wrong to me, am I wrong?

  8. I must say Stefan, this talk was excellent. It is sad that many commenters choose to be nasty or bitter toward people simply for being LGBT or whatnot or being supportive of LGBT people. But it is a conversation to be had.

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